Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
