weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
