I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
