I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
