1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
