oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
