I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
