My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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