I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
