She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
