so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
