my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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