I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
