I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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