last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
