and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
