You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
