Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
