i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
