no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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