Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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