There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just found a bag of teeth...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
