Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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