The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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