You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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