My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
please come you make the beer taste better
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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