Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
