You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Is this like a preordered booty call?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
