She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
