I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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