I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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