Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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