I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize