So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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