I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
