I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Semen is not good for contacts.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
