i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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