I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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