i need an iv and a liver transplant
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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