Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
