3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
