Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
