I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
