He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
