I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
