We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
