I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
