I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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