i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
