a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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