I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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