Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
