She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
