i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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