oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
