I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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