Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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