My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
