you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
