I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize