I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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