Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
