life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
