At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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