got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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