she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
