If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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