accomplished twins. life is a go
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
