i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize