I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize