Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
