We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
