I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
