dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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