The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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