I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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